SOPHIE JOHNSON
Hello you.
Scott told me to write a biography for the website. He also said make it funny. I don't know how far back he wants this biography to go back, so I'll go to my earliest memory.
I was five. I was on holiday with my family, camping in Dorset or Cornwall, or something. I'm the youngest of 4, and as such, I was watching my siblings play with a kite. Alas! The kite got caught in a tree. My brother wrestled with it, but suggested an adult was needed. I was sent back to the tent to get Dad. (As an aside, how thoughtful of my siblings to send me off on my own.) When I got to the tent, my Dad was playing patience. I don't know if I mentioned, but my Dad is a bit of a maverick. On seeing me bumble up with my cute bob (I was a paedophile's dream) he said "Fancy a game of cards?"
Of course! I love cards!
Half an hour later, my brother and sisters turn up, rather annoyed.
Oh yeh. I forgot.
A genius mind born into good circumstances, yet still I am not a millionaire, which remains a mystery for me. Another example. At my first term at school, I got in trouble with my teacher for arguing that black and white were not in fact opposites because they were colours, not realising…
…and then I woke up covered in my own sick with some suspiciously uriney men.
As for the Kingsnorth Lobotomy - I'm the female one. I do all the sketches Scott writes that has female parts in. Sometimes, I play a man, and sometimes Larry will play a woman, but that's our private business and I'll thank you to stay out of that. (That was a funny bit you see. You thought I was talking about in the sketches, but I meant in real life.)
I worked with Scott before in a 2008 sketch show called In The Mouth after an arduous casting process of Scott thinking 'Who's my girlfriend?' and realising it was me. That's dead now. But I'll have you know, we won Spirit of the Fringe that year. For the show. Not the relationship. But really, that's what we should have won it for.
I hope Scott didn't cut out any of this. I know at over 10,000 words it's a bit extreme, but I wanted you to know the real me. Know it.
Oh also, one of my best friends nicknames me Sad Bath.
Accurate.